Orli Grobler’s words for her Mummy!

05.03.2004 – Azcarah

Yud Biet, Adar, TashSnad

05.03.2004

Dear Mummy.

As your memorial day approached it seemed to open up the wound, which has still not healed and one must wonder if it ever will.

It’s been a year and I’ve missed you every day. I’ve dreamt about you just a handful of times I wish it were more. In some of my dreams you had come back to us, for just a little more time. How I wish we were given a little more time.

Some things still remain unclosed…the fear that I somehow let you down, I was so blind and did not see how your health was going down hill, I should have urged you to get a 2^nd opinion to find out more about your condition. The fear that by my neglect we lost you sooner than we should have. That you suffered when you shouldn’t have.

Why didn’t I know how serious things were? Why were we lied to when you were first diagnosed? So many questions are still left open. Was I punished for being selfish, for making plans in to your own future? Who knows how long I am to wonder about these things.

As for this lonely planet and us, nothing much has changed, yet there were so many things I wanted to tell you. So many times I wondered what would Mummy say or think about that.

During this last year at moments of sheer joy watching Gil grow, that sadness came over me because you should have been able to enjoy this also. I know you would have had such fun with him. Other times when he or I weren’t feeling very well, I so longed for your advice, sympathy & caring, not that I feel I deserved any of it. I kept reflecting this part year on what you told me about how difficult it was for you when you lost your mother, how it hurt so badly, I wanted to tell you that now I understand how badly it hurts but of course I couldn’t.

Theirs so many things that I don’t understand Mummy, and I hope that at least I can better my self-trying. I don’t understand why I was always so dogmatic, obstinate & suspecting. Why I could never see things threw your eyes. However, there is one thing that I know for certain, the world is no longer as it was before you past, the world is different, it’s not such a friendly place as it used to be…somehow with you in it everything bad didn’t seem as bad. It’s hard sometimes to be happy about things one should be happy about when we don’t have you to enjoy them with us. Thankfully though we do still have daddy and if you don’t mind we intend to hold on to him for quite a while yet because it’s bad enough missing you, with out the two of you, we’d be utterly lost.

Love you forever, Orli